Ninja Assassin = Ninja Awesome

Blood, guts, brains, SHURIKENS, arms, legs, flying blood, KUSARI GAMAS, tops of heads, split skin, missing fingers, KATANAS! Whew! You know when the words Ninja and Assassin are the only two in the title of a film that the movie will probably entertain, and entertained I was! I went into the movie expecting very little, but found the action incredible and the storyline not half bad. Grease will tell you he didn't like the end of the film with Europol storming a mountain in Japan (or so one would assume) with Humvees scaling mountain cliffs and soldiers killing ninjas left and right even though they haven't been able to kill them throughout the entire movie, but I thought it all fit together very well and was more than just an excuse to show a bunch of ninjas fighting each other. Korean pop-star Rain makes a very convincing action hero (the next Mark Wahlberg? Ha.) and ninja, and he doesn't do a half bad job acting either.
The story focuses on a clan of assassin ninjas and one outcast who fights to bring them down. A young Europol forensic researcher stumbles across the secret of this clan and attempts to bring them to justice. With the combined resources of Europol and the outcast ninja, even the Ozunu clan doesn't stand a chance, or do they? The use of a dual storyline (one following the present day, and one following the outcast ninja through his training and eventual denouncement of the clan) adds to the plot and provides a good deal of character background to really understand this masked wonder.
The amount of blood flying around in this movie reminds one of Tokyo Gore Police, Kill Bill or perhaps 300 as it was often over-exaggerated and sprayed more than one would imagine. The number of limbs removed throughout the film was somewhere in the hundreds, and the movie opens with half of a guy's head being chopped clean off. The use of the ninja throwing stars to dismember and destroy is essentially what you always hoped it would be. The ability to disappear into shadows is enough to make one want to go back to school to become a ninja, almost. Whether or not you actually decide to become a ninja after watching this movie, I don't care, but it is a definite must see. While the young lady playing Mika did a fine job, I do think it would have been better if Kristen Bell had been cast in this role. But that's just my opinion. Anyway, if you only go to one more movie in Majuro this year, make it Ninja Assassin.

Xmas Coral

When I first saw these words posted on the marquee at K&K Cinemas, I was intrigued as to whether this might be an island take on a classic tale of Christmas spirit. Unfortunately in that regard, I was disappointed. However, I was not disappointed by the film and the story presented. Granted, I already knew the story from countless other adaptations (including "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past" which I never got to see the end of because the dumb plane turns off movies when it lands. What the crap is the point of that!? Either way, it would have been better with Kristen Bell in the lead female role instead of Jennifer Garner.) and the original Charles Dickens work. Jim Carrey does a very good Scrooge voice, along with the numerous other characters he portrays, including all the specters. Aside from that, there really is not much to say about the content of the film because you all know the story.
However, the animation was quite good, and I can only imagine how incredible it would have been to watch the the 3D IMAX Experience. A joy surely! The chase scene in which Scrooge flees the nightmarish stallions of Christmas Yet to Come, with dazzling lights and fiery eyes, would have been the creme-de-la-creme of 3D chase scenes I'm sure. Making up for this lack of a three dimensional viewing experience was the fact that we were allowed to watch the movie at all. Apparently, there is some kind of "rule" that there have to be 4 people to show a movie, and Abraham was not going to allow us in on the last night the movie was showing! Luckily, Grease worked his magic by arguing that we are the most loyal K&K customers and therefore should be allowed to watch movies whenever we want. Abraham agreed and let us in. Disaster averted!
Unfortunately, there was a disaster in the life of Fat this weekend. He finished the final season of the Veronica Mars series, and he is now left with a gaping hole in his heart that only a few episodes of Veronica Mars could fill. Nonetheless, I will soldier on, by seeking out all of Kristen Bell's other works! Until next time, keep on watching those movies.

2012, but a mere three years away!

Who said the end of the world wasn't going to be super fun and awesome? I know I would want to live on a massive "ark" with thousands of other people for an indeterminable amount of time. It's basically a super huge cruise ship that maneuvers like a Porsche and can withstand collisions with Mt. Everest. What's more, the physical and emotional ride you get to undertake at the moment of tsunami impact would rival all but the best roller coasters in existence today. Not to mention you get to steal planes (both small and monstrously large, thank you Russia), fly through giant ash clouds spitting out boulders of brimstone, knock over the Eiffel Tower ("Come on baby, lift your big ass for Sasha."), ride around in Bentleys on glaciers, and drive through a glass building that is falling down on top of you! Whew, I can't think of a better way to spend a day. Plus, nonstop thrills with NO DISNEYESQUE LINES!
While the plot may have been almost identical to The Day After Tomorrow (and unfortunately, Kristen Bell did not make an appearance), 2012 excels in the amount of effort it deploys to destroy the world as we know it. Unlike The Day After Tomorrow, this film does not focus on the effects of global warming destroying the world, but instead a cosmic/geologic phenomenon that none of us could ever have prevented anyway. The giant tsunamis that are created from the massive shift (23 degrees to the southwest) of the whole of the Earth's crust represent the massive destructive force this time, which if I recall correctly, was one of the disasters that struck New York City in The Day After Tomorrow. However, the waves in 2012 were over 4500 feet high! Surf that Laird Hamilton. In other similarities between the movies, 2012 also featured a divorced couple with children, and the flame of their previous romance is relit in their determination to save their children.
One question however, who decided that including a seven year old girl who has a weird fetish for hats and wears pull-ups because she still wets the bed would be the way to tug at the viewers' heartstrings, especially when the bed-wetting played absolutely no role in the movie? Whatever. Something that no one need question, however, was the awesome Russian accent that we get throughout the film from our good pal Yuri. Like midgets, Russian accents can only make a movie better.
Now, the storyline may not have been the most original, and the film may have been a bit cheesy at times, and the destruction of the world may have been a bit over the top, but when it comes down to it, were you not entertained. Not to mention, this is the fourth movie in a row that has prominently featured what it means to be human (in this case, Dr. Helmsley insists that all the arks open their loading platforms to allow those left behind on the dock to board so that his conscience can be clear. Meanwhile, a 4500 foot high wall of water is only a few short minutes away and would surely destroy them all if the platform was left open. In the end, of course it worked out, and Dr. Helmsley even got to make out with Thandie Newton. New Moon, eat your heart out.). All that's left to be said at this point: Enjoy!

Face Punch the man in the New Moon

Face Punch is a movie that we should all watch. Clearly Bella and Jacob loved it; that other guy who was there with them may not have enjoyed it so much, but I only say that because it made him vomit. But seriously, you can't beat the dialog from a great film like Face Punch. "Put that gun away before I shoot you in the head." "Put your gun down before I shoot you in the face." "Both of you put both your guns away before I shoot both your heads off." I mean seriously, you can't write this stuff. It's the best everyone-gets-shot-in-the-end movie since Reservoir Dogs brought us blood and shooting to the nth degree. I have no idea who the actors were in this piece of cinematographic genius, nor do I even know what they look like, but the piece of relief they provided from a brooding, self-loathing piece of teenage angst crap was more than enough to ensure that I remember Face Punch for a long time with a little bit warmth in my heart.
The movie I had originally gone to see was a real piece of work. After seeing it, I am not sure what the obsession with this "Twilight" series is. It's just a bunch of teenagers (and a 109 year old vampire, who inexplicably gives up drinking blood so he can be with a whiny teenage girl who then falls in love with a member of the arch-enemies of the vampires, the werewolves. WHAT THE #&!$ MAN!?). Now, if you really want to watch a movie about vampires/werewolves/humans that even includes a bit of romance, I don't see why Underworld wasn't more popular. The vampire chick is hot. The werewolves are badasses and the combination of the two is, well maybe not perfect, but a whole heckuva lot better than this New Moon garbage. And there's WAY more action. Enough of that. This movie sucked. Grease agrees; he fell asleep in this movie too, and this time he wasn't even sitting in a movie chair, but a wooden stool. Yeah it really must have sucked. In the immortal words of Grease, "I would have rather watched two straight hours of a full mooning."

As(S)troBoy

Short, black, vinyl shorts? Check. Butt cannons? Check. Horny head? Check. Life-like perpetually thirteen year old boy robot created by father after real son's death only to be shunned by father because it is not exactly equivalent to original boy despite being cloned from a piece of hair from "Ministry of Science" hat and then accepted after father realizes he made a mistake and should no longer be working for the evil president of Metro City? Check. This movie had it all, including the voice of Kristen Bell as Cora. Awesome. Astro Boy was one of the move amusing animated movies I've seen in a while. I mean, come on, who doesn't like a kid who can shoot missiles out his arse? Yet another movie dealing with what it means to truly be human. As a robot, of course Astro Boy has to follow the Rules of Robotics: you know, no hurting humans and all that jive. However, it takes a while for him to figure out he is a robot. I think the point comes when he starts flying using rocket boosters found in his legs that he actually realizes that he isn't a normal kid anymore (keep in mind that this normal kid was capable of rocket science, and four-dimensional quadratic calculus). Regardless, Astro Boy risks his "life" multiple times in the defense of humans who often do not deserve his help. In the end, we find out that he is more capable of humanness than most of the humans who think he is but a mere robot. Plus, who else could stand up against the Peacemaker the size of the entire city? But, we all knew that was going to be the point the movie was trying to make.
A quick summary: Toby dies, dad makes Toby 2.0 (aka AstroBoy), AstroBoy is chased out of Metro City by evil president because his power source is the ultra powerful "Blue Core," boy meets group of misfit orphans on the surface who accept him into their family, Hamegg is the "father" of the group and restores robots to have them fight in the gladiator ring, Hamegg finds out Astro is a robot and tricks him into fighting, Astro saves Hamegg's life when a robot tries to kill him, Astro is captured by the evil president and returned to the City where he is nearly shutdown, evil president goes crazy after being absorbed into the Peacemaker robot, Astro Boy saves the day (using butt cannons), everyone is happy, evil creature attacks the City, sequel pending. The movie was indeed funny and entertaining, and even featured a dog named "Trashcan," which is almost as good as a pig named "Fat" or "Grease."

The Box ....of DEATH

So, Arlington Steward would have us all believe that life is nothing more than an endless series of boxes. We live in a box (house), we drive around in a box on wheels (car), we spend our free time staring at a box (TV/computer), we ourselves are a box (the body housing the soul or something), and then when you die, you get put in a box. What an outlook on life. Fat, on the other hand, would have to take a much more positive view on things. Take for example, this past week. First, I won $40 for taking second place at fantasy football. Then I won a $50 gift certificate for finishing first at a tennis tournament. To top things off, I caught a MONSTER marlin on Saturday. And why not through a little cherry on top of that there icing. I won $40 again this past Tuesday for second at fantasy football. Could a box do these things? I think not.
But I digress. I will say this about The Box. I was on the edge of my seat the entire time. I would not by any means categorize this movie as a suspense thriller, but it had certain qualities that were just plain creepy and ominous.
The premise behind the movie is this. A strange man appears at the door of a couple with one child. The couple is offered the opportunity to press a button and receive $1 million dollars. The catch is, if you push the button, someone, somewhere will die. Of course the couple (obviously cash strapped at that time) pushes the button. They are then set on a course of tests and followed by a group of strangely zombie-esque humans (whom we learn are being brain controlled by Steward). These bizarre out-of-body (box?) beings point the pair in the direction they want them to proceed. The final test is a choice. The child has been relieved of his ability to see or hear, and the parents must decide whether to live a life in which this child will never regain these senses, or to allow the parent who actually pushed the button to be shot through the heart by the other, thereby returning the child to normal (minus one parent). The movie ends with Steward walking to the house of a different couple to offer them the $1 million they have "earned" by pushing the button and thereby "killing" the wife in the couple we had been following throughout the movie.
The movie took one bizarre turn after another. It relied very little on special effects, which is somewhat of a relief in the current days of cinematography. The soundtrack and film style was reminiscent of a classic Hitchcockian horror, that was more psychological than reliant upon gore and dismemberment.
Like many science fiction novels, this movie questions what it means to be human. In this case, altruism is the major determining factor of whether or not the human race will be allowed to continue its existence. Now you have to ask yourself, would you push the button?

Sometimes the show just doesn't go on!

The funny thing about living in the RMI is that things don't always work the way you think they should. Such as, if the movie theater says it is open 7 days a week and the marquee displays a movies showing at 8PM you think you can assume that the theater will be open on a Tuesday at 7:50PM so that you can "pay for your ticket," buy a drink or popcorn, and watch the scheduled movie. Well that is not always the case. What we have learned is that you can not always assume things will happen here even if they are scheduled and advertised to happen at certain times on certain days. And because of this, we will have to wait until another day to review either Astroboy or The Box. Stay tuned!

This Is It....(ain't that the truth)

So, there is at least one thing that can be said about Michael Jackson that was true throughout his career: he really can sing. Unfortunately, the most recent of Michael's productions showed us all that even if he were not to have passed away this summer, that this tour really would have been it. He just can't quite move in those ways that made young girls blush like he used to. Don't get me wrong, he can still dance better than most anyone, but compared to Michael in his prime, he just didn't quite have it. I also think he stole a move from me: the one where you face your palm up and quiver your fingers while raising your forearm up and down very quickly. Yeah, that's all me.
However, that is not what really bugged me about this movie. The dancing and singing were actually very good. It was the rest of the movie that I found to be a tad dreary and tiresome. This Is It is essentially a glorified The Making of the Video, and by glorified, I mean extra long. It just dragged on and on and never really showed anything. There was no drama, no character development, nothing to make me want to see what was going to happen next. The movie opened with short quips from each of the selected dancers, leading the viewer to believe that maybe we would follow them through their trials and tribulations of working with Jacko. Did that happen? No. Consider this viewer disappointed. All we got to see was Mike and on stage cohort practice for the shows they had been planning to put on in London. Exciting? Hardly.
There were, however, some memorable instances from the film. Michael himself has some great one-liners: "I love trees;" or "Let it simmer. Bathe in the moonlight;" or how about "It has to sound like you're dragging yourself out of bed." Gems I say. It also made me ponder a something. There is a scene where a little girl is in a lovely forest and a bunch of butterflies flutter by her, and it made me wonder: Do you think the were originally called flutterbyes but some dyslexic fellow got it mixed up and started calling them butterflies? Think about it. It makes a lot of sense to me.
I will also say that, despite his funny little voice, Michael does say some good things about climate change, which is definitely a pressing issue here in the Marshall Islands. Just recently I heard there is supposed to be an abnormally high hightide on January 31, 2010. The water level is supposed to reach a level even with the surrounding land. This does not take into account any wave action, which means if there happens to be a storm or high winds coinciding with this period, the islands will face serious damage. Many of these "developed" nations do not realize the impact that their decisions have on low-lying island nations. Even a small rise in sea level can have devastating consequences on an entire nation where the highest point is only 5 meters above sea level. Even at current levels, it will be long before certain nations will no longer be habitable because the salt water destroys the land and pollutes the water. Michael Jackson knew these things were problems.
There really isn't much else to say about this film except that I wish there would have been a bit more of Light-Man. He looked awesome. Oh, and that my fellow reviewer Grease slept through more than a small amount of it and entertained us all with his snores. Yeah, that's how good it was. Stay tuned for next week's review of either The Box or Astro Boy. I can't wait.