A Horse with No Name

Did You Hear About the Morgans? Yeah, I wouldn't have either, except for the fact that the movie came to the Majuro theater, meaning here I go again on my own (because seriously, who else would go to this movie?). Starring Hugh "I did it all for the money" Grant and Sarah "So a horse walks into a bar" Jessica "and the bartenders says why the long face" Parker, this film had it all. A suspense thriller a la Pelican Brief, a couple (the Morgans. Go figure) witness a murder and are forced into the witness protection program while the government hunts the killer. The killer locates their temporary residence due to a brilliant piece of reasoning (what Grease likes to call Woman Logic) by Mrs. Foster (the new name for Mrs. Morgan) in calling her adoption agency in New York City. "What's that? There's a hired assassin on the loose? Oh no! I better make sure the one person I call in my old town is the adoption agency to ask them why they were even considering me!" Seriously!? What the crap! Kristen Bell would have at least made me believe there was a reason to be calling. Come on. Additionally, I am not sure if it was the script or simply the acting done by Ms. So a horse walks into a bar, but I had to punch myself in the left forearm numerous times just to make sure I was still alive. Kristen Bell never would have let the movie fall to such a low place. Now, at least Mr. I did it all for the money knew what the heck was going on. He acted with the air of a man who knew he was producing crap, but just didn't care because at the end of the day he is receiving a nice fat paycheck. With lines like "I called ahead and reserved us a table by the Mayonnaise" or "My wife is a member of PETA. I was thinking of joining" (while addressing a grizzly bear) or "Her perfume smelled like a burrito" or "I think I need an angiogram." His off-the-cuff remarks were just sarcastic enough for me to not lose total respect for him. Seriously, who was the intended audience for this movie? I mean, I guess I would categorize it as a romantic comedy, but it wasn't very romantic (more annoying than anything. Who wants to see Sarah Jessica Parker in a romantic comedy?) nor was it extremely funny. Grease suggested that it should have been titled Cowboy Hideaway, but then even fewer people would have gone to see it. Just for a final thought, I will give you this: imagine Sarah Jessica Parker standing next to a horse. It might be time for the glue factory.

Who'd have thunk it?

"Who would have thought we'd have a black son before we met a democrat?" Certainly not the Tuohy family from The Blind Side. This feel good sports film depicts the true story of the rise of a young man from the projects of Memphis to becoming a Dean's List All-American left tackle for the Ole Miss Running Rebels. Bill Simmons got it right when he said that the choice of actors for Michael Oher (who is currently a rookie playing for the Baltimore Ravens) was dead on, while the young brother could have been casted a bit better (although it is the kid from Friday Night Lights). Before meeting up with the Tuohy family, Big Mike (6'6", maybe 325) doesn't really have a home, is barely allowed admission into a nice private school (the football coach pulls some strings, even though he doesn't realize that Michael has never played football before), and owns two shirts. His mother is a crack head, and his neighbors are thugs. Luckily for him, Leigh Anne and Stan take him into their home and raise him as their own. They even put him in their family Christmas photo, to which Cousin Bud replies, "Are you aware there's a large colored boy in your photo?" As Michael learns to play football, the recruiters from just about every football university in the south coming knocking. Mike lets SJ (the brother) handle most of his negotiations. He also has to work extremely hard in school to raise his GPA from a 1.76 to a 2.5 in order to be eligible to receive a scholarship. A bit of controversy arises when the NCAA brings up the question about whether the Tuohys brought Mike into their home in an effort to persuade him to go to Ole Miss (their alma mater). Mike has a moment of regret and returns to his old home and has a run in with his old neighbors. But, all's well that ends well. Sandra Bullock does quite a good job (when doesn't she do a good job) as the mom. Bill Simmons argues that this is one of the best sports films of the year, and I would agree that it is indeed a good movie, maybe not as focused around sports as one would hope for a "sports film." Instead it focused on accepting people and helping when you can, even if it's only one life at a time. Perhaps more a family movie than a sports movie. There really isn't much more to say about it, other than pointing out that Kristen Bell should have been at the top of the list to play Collins, the sister in the family.

Scat Happens

"What's all that racket?" "I don't know. It could be immigrants.....or raccoons." It is difficult to tell exactly what type of movie Old Dogs was attempting to be, but I do know this: It made me laugh heartily. I do know that. I also know that the lady sitting in there was also truly enjoying the comedy of the movie. The premise in itself is a bit ridiculous considering it is a Disney movie. It's based on a drunken one night stand/14 hour marriage resulting in children that the dad is unaware of until the mother contacts him seven years later when she is in town because she has to spend two weeks in jail. Plot hole: the mother lives in Vermont where she was charged with environmental terrorism; HOWEVER, she is being sent to prison somewhere in New Jersey. What the heck is that all about?! Whatever, the movie made me laugh, I don't question holes in the plot like that. I'm not exactly sure what made me laugh so much at this film, but I did. Some key points of comedy: (a) Robin Williams (the dad/Dan) and John Travolta (Charlie) switch their old man pills, leaving Dan with a loss of depth perception during an important golf game, and Charlie with a face paralyzed into a Joker smile during a bereavement potluck. Where do they come up with this stuff? Pure genius. (b) The children are at an age where they could easily be the grandchildren and there are numerous "old person" jokes. For example, Charlie "wets" his pants at a restaurant while trying to hit on a young waitress (Oh Rachelle, why weren't you played by Kristen Bell. The attraction would have been so much more realistic). (c) Dan and Charlie take the children on a camping trip, where it is presumed that they act as "dual" fathers to the children. Once again hilarity ensues. Bonus comedy: Ultimate frisbee is featured at the camp (unfortunately, they all cheated/were not good), and Dan and Charlie rub bear scat on their faces in preparation. (d) While in South Beach, Charlie convinces Dan to get a tattoo saying "Free Man" due to his recent divorce. The tattoo artist misunderstands and writes "Fremont." Who are these writers?! The list could go on, but I don't want to ruin the movie for you. So, basically, the first hour and ten minutes or so were brilliant, comedic genius. Then it got sappy (except for the love shown by a 500 pound gorilla toward Seth Green's character, who, as it just so happens, loves karaoke), and I won't bore you with the details. All in all, a much better movie than I was expecting as far as laugh factor. About what I was expecting as far as storyline. Oh yeah, while in prison, the mother managed to personalize two license plates for her kids and carve a bunny rabbit figure out of soap for Charlie. Nice.