Randy says it all

The big question surrounding the visual marvel that is Avatar is not what most critics have cited. Really, does it matter that the main focus of this film was on the visual effects over creating the most intricate and airtight plot that ever existed? Absolutely not! What matters is the question regarding the attractiveness of the lead female alien. Most importantly, do you or do you not find her attractive? Clearly, one would have to say that if he (or she. We are living in the 21st century here) were living on Pandora and happened to be of the Navi race, that yes, the lead female character is indeed very hot. Now as a human, it is a more difficult question, mainly because she is at least ten feet tall and could rip your throat out with the flick of her pinky. If you can get past those major issues, it could be said that she is indeed quite attractive. This is clearly the question on everyone’s mind because everyone knows that the garbage about the plot not being up to snuff and the film relying solely on special effects is a complete waste of breath. Of course it is a special effect heavy movie; that’s what it was meant to be! And, in all fairness, the plot was fine. It wasn’t the most spectacular thing ever written, but it was entertaining and it did what it was supposed to do: provide a reason to unveil these incredibly stunning visual works (which I was unable to fully appreciate because the theater does not yet have 3d projectors. I will keep my fingers crossed). All in all, the movie was highly enjoyable and held my attention for the full 2 hours and 40+ minutes of action. I almost peed my pants at the two hour mark because I couldn’t bring myself to go to the bathroom, but realized I couldn’t hold it for another hour. When I watch a movie that does officially make me pee my pants because I can’t stand to leave and miss a single second, I will let you know. Don’t hold your breath. Despite being inundated with details about the movie and how amazing it was in 3d and that I shouldn’t watch it at a normal theater, I could not have asked for anything more. I was entertained to the extreme and found little to nothing to complain about. Eat it Titanic.

Bartowe, don't see Armored.

So, it’s been awhile since there has been an update on movies in the Maj, and here’s the reason. We watched the movie Armored about two weeks ago, and it was so horrendous that I have been trying to figure out what to write about it. Here’s what I’ve decided: nothing. Just don’t go see it.

That being said, a few of us also went out to watch the new Uncle Jack film entitled “Yokwe Bartowe.” For those of you not currently on island, sorry, you probably won’t get to watch it in the theater. However, if you contact the Majuro Cooperative School, they may be able to figure out a way to get you a copy. Yokwe, Bartowe is essentially a sequel to Na Noniep from last year. Lijimu makes an appearance and attempts to right her wrongs (her dead family begs her to fix things. Nice work Ben et al). Ms. Starling also makes an appearance, demanding that a young girl whose best friend drowned nearly a year ago to essentially suck it up and deal with it. Strong work Ms. Starling. This new Marshall Islands production has come a long way from the days of Na Noniep. There is much less down time, and the action flows throughout the entire movie much more fluidly. The real star of the show was definitely Phil Okney and his endless description of why he has the car he has and how reliable it is. You can’t script this stuff. (Story on the street is that it wasn’t scripted. Phil had free reign to discuss his car as he saw fit.) A quick rundown of the plot without trying to give too much away: young girl “drowns”(was actually stolen by Kolpej to provide entertainment; family blames brother; brother goes into yearlong drunken stupor and drives wedge between self and girlfriend; brother befriends Lijimu; they work together to try to get his sister and girlfriend back. All in all, a well done film explaining some more traditional beliefs in the Marshall Islands, and also doing a good job to show some of the social issues here. Still a few kinks to work out for the next one, but I’m sure it will get better as we go along.

A Horse with No Name

Did You Hear About the Morgans? Yeah, I wouldn't have either, except for the fact that the movie came to the Majuro theater, meaning here I go again on my own (because seriously, who else would go to this movie?). Starring Hugh "I did it all for the money" Grant and Sarah "So a horse walks into a bar" Jessica "and the bartenders says why the long face" Parker, this film had it all. A suspense thriller a la Pelican Brief, a couple (the Morgans. Go figure) witness a murder and are forced into the witness protection program while the government hunts the killer. The killer locates their temporary residence due to a brilliant piece of reasoning (what Grease likes to call Woman Logic) by Mrs. Foster (the new name for Mrs. Morgan) in calling her adoption agency in New York City. "What's that? There's a hired assassin on the loose? Oh no! I better make sure the one person I call in my old town is the adoption agency to ask them why they were even considering me!" Seriously!? What the crap! Kristen Bell would have at least made me believe there was a reason to be calling. Come on. Additionally, I am not sure if it was the script or simply the acting done by Ms. So a horse walks into a bar, but I had to punch myself in the left forearm numerous times just to make sure I was still alive. Kristen Bell never would have let the movie fall to such a low place. Now, at least Mr. I did it all for the money knew what the heck was going on. He acted with the air of a man who knew he was producing crap, but just didn't care because at the end of the day he is receiving a nice fat paycheck. With lines like "I called ahead and reserved us a table by the Mayonnaise" or "My wife is a member of PETA. I was thinking of joining" (while addressing a grizzly bear) or "Her perfume smelled like a burrito" or "I think I need an angiogram." His off-the-cuff remarks were just sarcastic enough for me to not lose total respect for him. Seriously, who was the intended audience for this movie? I mean, I guess I would categorize it as a romantic comedy, but it wasn't very romantic (more annoying than anything. Who wants to see Sarah Jessica Parker in a romantic comedy?) nor was it extremely funny. Grease suggested that it should have been titled Cowboy Hideaway, but then even fewer people would have gone to see it. Just for a final thought, I will give you this: imagine Sarah Jessica Parker standing next to a horse. It might be time for the glue factory.

Who'd have thunk it?

"Who would have thought we'd have a black son before we met a democrat?" Certainly not the Tuohy family from The Blind Side. This feel good sports film depicts the true story of the rise of a young man from the projects of Memphis to becoming a Dean's List All-American left tackle for the Ole Miss Running Rebels. Bill Simmons got it right when he said that the choice of actors for Michael Oher (who is currently a rookie playing for the Baltimore Ravens) was dead on, while the young brother could have been casted a bit better (although it is the kid from Friday Night Lights). Before meeting up with the Tuohy family, Big Mike (6'6", maybe 325) doesn't really have a home, is barely allowed admission into a nice private school (the football coach pulls some strings, even though he doesn't realize that Michael has never played football before), and owns two shirts. His mother is a crack head, and his neighbors are thugs. Luckily for him, Leigh Anne and Stan take him into their home and raise him as their own. They even put him in their family Christmas photo, to which Cousin Bud replies, "Are you aware there's a large colored boy in your photo?" As Michael learns to play football, the recruiters from just about every football university in the south coming knocking. Mike lets SJ (the brother) handle most of his negotiations. He also has to work extremely hard in school to raise his GPA from a 1.76 to a 2.5 in order to be eligible to receive a scholarship. A bit of controversy arises when the NCAA brings up the question about whether the Tuohys brought Mike into their home in an effort to persuade him to go to Ole Miss (their alma mater). Mike has a moment of regret and returns to his old home and has a run in with his old neighbors. But, all's well that ends well. Sandra Bullock does quite a good job (when doesn't she do a good job) as the mom. Bill Simmons argues that this is one of the best sports films of the year, and I would agree that it is indeed a good movie, maybe not as focused around sports as one would hope for a "sports film." Instead it focused on accepting people and helping when you can, even if it's only one life at a time. Perhaps more a family movie than a sports movie. There really isn't much more to say about it, other than pointing out that Kristen Bell should have been at the top of the list to play Collins, the sister in the family.

Scat Happens

"What's all that racket?" "I don't know. It could be immigrants.....or raccoons." It is difficult to tell exactly what type of movie Old Dogs was attempting to be, but I do know this: It made me laugh heartily. I do know that. I also know that the lady sitting in there was also truly enjoying the comedy of the movie. The premise in itself is a bit ridiculous considering it is a Disney movie. It's based on a drunken one night stand/14 hour marriage resulting in children that the dad is unaware of until the mother contacts him seven years later when she is in town because she has to spend two weeks in jail. Plot hole: the mother lives in Vermont where she was charged with environmental terrorism; HOWEVER, she is being sent to prison somewhere in New Jersey. What the heck is that all about?! Whatever, the movie made me laugh, I don't question holes in the plot like that. I'm not exactly sure what made me laugh so much at this film, but I did. Some key points of comedy: (a) Robin Williams (the dad/Dan) and John Travolta (Charlie) switch their old man pills, leaving Dan with a loss of depth perception during an important golf game, and Charlie with a face paralyzed into a Joker smile during a bereavement potluck. Where do they come up with this stuff? Pure genius. (b) The children are at an age where they could easily be the grandchildren and there are numerous "old person" jokes. For example, Charlie "wets" his pants at a restaurant while trying to hit on a young waitress (Oh Rachelle, why weren't you played by Kristen Bell. The attraction would have been so much more realistic). (c) Dan and Charlie take the children on a camping trip, where it is presumed that they act as "dual" fathers to the children. Once again hilarity ensues. Bonus comedy: Ultimate frisbee is featured at the camp (unfortunately, they all cheated/were not good), and Dan and Charlie rub bear scat on their faces in preparation. (d) While in South Beach, Charlie convinces Dan to get a tattoo saying "Free Man" due to his recent divorce. The tattoo artist misunderstands and writes "Fremont." Who are these writers?! The list could go on, but I don't want to ruin the movie for you. So, basically, the first hour and ten minutes or so were brilliant, comedic genius. Then it got sappy (except for the love shown by a 500 pound gorilla toward Seth Green's character, who, as it just so happens, loves karaoke), and I won't bore you with the details. All in all, a much better movie than I was expecting as far as laugh factor. About what I was expecting as far as storyline. Oh yeah, while in prison, the mother managed to personalize two license plates for her kids and carve a bunny rabbit figure out of soap for Charlie. Nice.

Ninja Assassin = Ninja Awesome

Blood, guts, brains, SHURIKENS, arms, legs, flying blood, KUSARI GAMAS, tops of heads, split skin, missing fingers, KATANAS! Whew! You know when the words Ninja and Assassin are the only two in the title of a film that the movie will probably entertain, and entertained I was! I went into the movie expecting very little, but found the action incredible and the storyline not half bad. Grease will tell you he didn't like the end of the film with Europol storming a mountain in Japan (or so one would assume) with Humvees scaling mountain cliffs and soldiers killing ninjas left and right even though they haven't been able to kill them throughout the entire movie, but I thought it all fit together very well and was more than just an excuse to show a bunch of ninjas fighting each other. Korean pop-star Rain makes a very convincing action hero (the next Mark Wahlberg? Ha.) and ninja, and he doesn't do a half bad job acting either.
The story focuses on a clan of assassin ninjas and one outcast who fights to bring them down. A young Europol forensic researcher stumbles across the secret of this clan and attempts to bring them to justice. With the combined resources of Europol and the outcast ninja, even the Ozunu clan doesn't stand a chance, or do they? The use of a dual storyline (one following the present day, and one following the outcast ninja through his training and eventual denouncement of the clan) adds to the plot and provides a good deal of character background to really understand this masked wonder.
The amount of blood flying around in this movie reminds one of Tokyo Gore Police, Kill Bill or perhaps 300 as it was often over-exaggerated and sprayed more than one would imagine. The number of limbs removed throughout the film was somewhere in the hundreds, and the movie opens with half of a guy's head being chopped clean off. The use of the ninja throwing stars to dismember and destroy is essentially what you always hoped it would be. The ability to disappear into shadows is enough to make one want to go back to school to become a ninja, almost. Whether or not you actually decide to become a ninja after watching this movie, I don't care, but it is a definite must see. While the young lady playing Mika did a fine job, I do think it would have been better if Kristen Bell had been cast in this role. But that's just my opinion. Anyway, if you only go to one more movie in Majuro this year, make it Ninja Assassin.

Xmas Coral

When I first saw these words posted on the marquee at K&K Cinemas, I was intrigued as to whether this might be an island take on a classic tale of Christmas spirit. Unfortunately in that regard, I was disappointed. However, I was not disappointed by the film and the story presented. Granted, I already knew the story from countless other adaptations (including "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past" which I never got to see the end of because the dumb plane turns off movies when it lands. What the crap is the point of that!? Either way, it would have been better with Kristen Bell in the lead female role instead of Jennifer Garner.) and the original Charles Dickens work. Jim Carrey does a very good Scrooge voice, along with the numerous other characters he portrays, including all the specters. Aside from that, there really is not much to say about the content of the film because you all know the story.
However, the animation was quite good, and I can only imagine how incredible it would have been to watch the the 3D IMAX Experience. A joy surely! The chase scene in which Scrooge flees the nightmarish stallions of Christmas Yet to Come, with dazzling lights and fiery eyes, would have been the creme-de-la-creme of 3D chase scenes I'm sure. Making up for this lack of a three dimensional viewing experience was the fact that we were allowed to watch the movie at all. Apparently, there is some kind of "rule" that there have to be 4 people to show a movie, and Abraham was not going to allow us in on the last night the movie was showing! Luckily, Grease worked his magic by arguing that we are the most loyal K&K customers and therefore should be allowed to watch movies whenever we want. Abraham agreed and let us in. Disaster averted!
Unfortunately, there was a disaster in the life of Fat this weekend. He finished the final season of the Veronica Mars series, and he is now left with a gaping hole in his heart that only a few episodes of Veronica Mars could fill. Nonetheless, I will soldier on, by seeking out all of Kristen Bell's other works! Until next time, keep on watching those movies.