A Horse with No Name

Did You Hear About the Morgans? Yeah, I wouldn't have either, except for the fact that the movie came to the Majuro theater, meaning here I go again on my own (because seriously, who else would go to this movie?). Starring Hugh "I did it all for the money" Grant and Sarah "So a horse walks into a bar" Jessica "and the bartenders says why the long face" Parker, this film had it all. A suspense thriller a la Pelican Brief, a couple (the Morgans. Go figure) witness a murder and are forced into the witness protection program while the government hunts the killer. The killer locates their temporary residence due to a brilliant piece of reasoning (what Grease likes to call Woman Logic) by Mrs. Foster (the new name for Mrs. Morgan) in calling her adoption agency in New York City. "What's that? There's a hired assassin on the loose? Oh no! I better make sure the one person I call in my old town is the adoption agency to ask them why they were even considering me!" Seriously!? What the crap! Kristen Bell would have at least made me believe there was a reason to be calling. Come on. Additionally, I am not sure if it was the script or simply the acting done by Ms. So a horse walks into a bar, but I had to punch myself in the left forearm numerous times just to make sure I was still alive. Kristen Bell never would have let the movie fall to such a low place. Now, at least Mr. I did it all for the money knew what the heck was going on. He acted with the air of a man who knew he was producing crap, but just didn't care because at the end of the day he is receiving a nice fat paycheck. With lines like "I called ahead and reserved us a table by the Mayonnaise" or "My wife is a member of PETA. I was thinking of joining" (while addressing a grizzly bear) or "Her perfume smelled like a burrito" or "I think I need an angiogram." His off-the-cuff remarks were just sarcastic enough for me to not lose total respect for him. Seriously, who was the intended audience for this movie? I mean, I guess I would categorize it as a romantic comedy, but it wasn't very romantic (more annoying than anything. Who wants to see Sarah Jessica Parker in a romantic comedy?) nor was it extremely funny. Grease suggested that it should have been titled Cowboy Hideaway, but then even fewer people would have gone to see it. Just for a final thought, I will give you this: imagine Sarah Jessica Parker standing next to a horse. It might be time for the glue factory.